Wrath

 A new letter.

I'd forgotten about here: this new blog. It's a place to write to you. I miss you. I really do.

Today I started speaking to Jodi (my new psychologist) about you. Or rather, our bad parts of our relationship that I suppose I need to work through. But now I'm thinking that I need to talk about the good things. 

(I've switched over to trying to record with my microphone I wonder if it will make a difference. I'll see if it will help me perhaps speak more clearly, or not. Lets see….)

So I was thinking perhaps I should try white things that I remember record memories of you.

Hey sweet Thang\i am trying something a little bit different and by that I mean I am busy writing into Google Docs using the voice recorder.

I missed you today; I started looking at some of your photos and I didn't get very far. just sitting here and starting to talk but I started to well up semi: because just picturing your precious face is so hard. I really miss you. I miss your wit and quick banter; and how talking to you was always easy.  I wasn't ever bored.  not at all of the years of Us talking I never felt like talking to you would be not worth my time. you are always so engaging and insightful and I enjoyed you.  I wish that I had videos of our Skype conversations. We  talked so much, so many hours and hours and hours of endless talking.

I hate the thought that no one will ever be able to measure up to you.

I Remember you lying there in the lounge and crying.  you were sobbing  your heart out and you were in so much pain,  because we had broken and you didn't know if you could ever be healed. And  I ain't just laying there,  in what had been our bed - the bed that you had found and bought -  that I had simply claimed, and which was now ‘mine’. And  you just lay alone in that couch fort and you cried. You  cried and cried and cried,  and I just listen because I thought after everything you put me through it was only fair that you cried too.  I'm so sorry.  so so so so very sorry.  I wish I'd been standing there I wish I could have stopped you. I wish that at the gate, when I kissed you goodbye, I’d changed my mind, and asked you to stay. Told you to stay. Said I didn’t want you to leave. That I loved you. THat you were loved and wanted and that we were not over because we couldn’t ever be. We are to sould that are meant to be together.

I see you standing there, at the airport gates, waiting for me. I feel my heart swell. 

Oh! I love you my darling darling wonderful, precious, gentle sweet Marcéll.

I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t see you. You were right: you WERE broken, and I really couldn’t see just how much. I wish you could come back now. Everything would be so different.

Would it be though? I haven’t grown as a person. But then again… I’ve learned so much more about you. I think I’d be gentler and kinder. And less… wrathful.